| en francais |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|06:53 pm] |
I wake up and i nudge you but you dont wake up
I pull the cover over you im afraid you might be cold
I run my hands over your hair but you turn your back to me
I get up and quicky get dresses before i leave the room
Alone, i drink my coffee
Im running late...
Without a sound i leave the house and everything is gray and daek
I am cold so i lift my hood
All the day i thing of you and my mind is at ease
I thing of you and i smile and then i laugh and i smile once again
At last the day is done and i come back home
youve gone out and havent come back
alone by myself i lay my head down on the pillow to sleep
tjhe bige bead is cold without you by myside
I hear something and i hide under tjhe covers knowing it is you
I think about you and ly lind settles as i wait
i think of you and i smile and then i maught and i smile once more
I wait and you smile
you lay down and warm my bed and we are happy
we are in love and i smile... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2004|09:57 pm] |
There is nothing like retuning to a place that remains unchanged only to find the ways in which you yourself have altered...
Babe...
Im writing you a letter that you will never read only to tell you that i think of you.. You told me before you left that by me making it a big deal ( you leaving and all) i am making it seem like we arent as close as we are.. It is only now that i understand your words... You told me you would not miss me because in your mind you could see me any time you wanted and that would be every day... That did not comfort me...Only now do i understand what you meant... I think of you everyday and no i cannot say i miss you because you are with me wherever i go.. In my heart.. I remember times we had together and i laugh at how silly we were together, no one would have ever imagined us to be together. and maybe we shouldnt be but who cares. I carry your picture locked away in my heart everyday and when i feel my energy start to fade i remember you and my heart opens with love again... I see you against some nonexsistent horizon somewhere hidden beneath the stars and i feel alive because i love you... You told me not to wait and so im not waiting for you but i cannot move on either because i feel for you and i know you feel for me as well. Feelings run deep in a persons soul...Every person who has touched my life is still in my heart but some lay heavier upn its beating than other.... You lay flat on my chest and you know i love to be smothered so that is your place... I hope with everything i have for you to have fun and be safe... for you to think of me every day and for you to keep away from the fan rooms... When i get back i will jump into your arms and smother you with kisses built up from time gone away... Your 1000 is still not up.... and i owe you even more..Babe i think of you and your are Beau and therefore you are beautiful and life is beauty there life is beau .... La Vie C'est Beau et vous etes mon vie.. Ce n'est rien de dit parce-que c'estait just l'amours pour nous est l'amour est just....
Gentle Winds and Calm Seas Babe
Goonight
Your Angel |
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| damn... |
[May. 11th, 2004|06:56 pm] |
You know they say you can never go home... No one ever explains why you can never go home but im beggining to understand why they say that because when i came home i figured out im not home..
They say you can never go home because home is a place that you make up in your mind... Like a warm bed with a roof over you head, you call that your house but not your home because a home is somewhere that you know and nobody else does...
I came home only to find out that nothing was as i had left it.... I came home to a house full of people i had virtually never met before.... You can never go home because everything is always changing so its never the same so its not home...
You changed... we both changed... How we were changed and home was a feeling that i burried in you and thats why i couldnt come home. I am so mad but i know i cant be mad at you because you cant help it... Its not your fault its mine so im not mad at you... Actually its not my faulk its just me that im mad at not you for changing. Im mad because i swore that for two years i knew what you were all about.. You were this beautiful person that i loved for so fucking long.. The one thing in my life that to a sparkle in time was consistent and the one thing that i tried to hold onto. And when you were gone and that was it i still believed that you were that same person... Now i know your not and im not mad that your not im mad for thinking that you were about something...
You, a person who spoke so proudly about everything you were brought up in and it made me cherish what you had. It made me think that you were so completely about everything and so faithful.. I used to think that i knew you and now im mad because i know now i never did. You were never about anything like you said you were... I mad at myself for tricking myself into believeing that you were so into things like that... My bad to think that you were everything that your turned out to be nothing like. |
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| My Birthday |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|12:51 am] |
Alright so it's like 12:50 in the morning right now and its my birthday... I have been up for the last three hours helping a the guy i am seeing make a cd. The problem was that we had to transport songs from one computer to another computer to make the cd so it was kind of stressful... Anyways, me and my boy were watching seinfeld the other night and it was the episode where Jerry gets elaine money for her birthday and the whole story behind the episode was that " birthday's can make or break a relationship." Well i was going to test that so i wanted to see if he would remember that it was my birthday. Well he was in my room on my computer making the cd when i walked in and right as i walked up behind him my Bet Friend Elisa right on the dot at 12:00 ims me and says happy birthday so i erased it right away so he wouldnt see it but he did and he asked me why she was saying happy birthday to me and i said because it is my birthday. He had completely forgotten that it was my Birthday so he felt totally shitty. So did i though, i really wanted him to have remembered but i knew he wasnt going to. So i was very dissapointed. I went to his room right afterwards just as he asked me to and then he kicked me out of his room so im a little sad right now, my birthday isnt truning out to be the very best that i hoped it would be.
I went to vent to stefanie and molly who used to be a close friend of mine was there. I went to stef and told her he forgot and then he kicked me out and Molly says " forgot what" so she forgot too so that made me feel shitty. Oh well i guess i just hoped that i would be important enough to him that he would remember but i guess i thought we were a lot more serious than we really are, i guess i have to just get over it and move on. So im going to try and sleep it off and not think about it, but i know that if he tries to get me anything then im not going to take it because i know it wont meant anything. its just a pity gift and i dont want that... Oh well... im gonna get to bed... try to sleep and when i wake up maybe ill be a little more appreciated but i doubt it...
"... when i get the strength to leave you always tell me that you need me and im weak because i need you and im mad because i love you so i stop and think that maybe you could learn to appreciate me but it all remains the same that you aint ever gonna change your never gonna change..." |
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| Beautiful Good-bye |
[Apr. 20th, 2004|01:08 am] |
Its like the most amazing sunset you've ever seen
There’s never another quite the same
It just falls into some eternalcy
Like the end of a movie that makes you cry
You’re sad when its over but your glad you had
That moment that moved you deep inside
Beautiful good-bye baby goodbye
I enjoyed the ride
We really had an awesome time
It’s a strange kind of high
A beautiful good bye
Standing here watching you drive away we were so grown up about it all
But how will it look in the light of day
I miss you already
But dot turn around
Its funny when you know it just won’t work
And when letting go can echo the sweetest sound...
Beautiful good-bye baby goodbye
I enjoyed the ride
We really had an awesome time
It’s a strange kind of high
A beautiful good bye
So ironic so confusing
To do the right thing
And be losing
I’m always stuck with choosing
Aint that just like life
Beautiful good-bye baby goodbye
I enjoyed the ride
We really had an awesome time
It’s a strange kind of high
A beautiful good bye |
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| hmmm |
[Apr. 16th, 2004|12:31 am] |
Wow so i havent written in a while but im sure you are all glad to know that i am still alive and kickin. Although im slowing down in my old age. LOL... Im just kidding if you can ind the humor in that.
So lately ive figured out that people are right when they say wroters on have a good story when they are depressed. Because its only when your down do you take a good look at whats going on in the universe and say to yourself i wish i could change it.
The other day i was tired and not feeling great so i saw a water fountain and figured maybe a sip of cold water would make me feel better and in that one sip of water, i found the goodness of earth in two seconds and i took a moment to take it all in...
I've realized in the last couple months that the people i have found faults in and have criticized for those faults, only hold the same faults i hold myself. Only i didnt want to recognize them in myself so i focused more on the innerworkings of eveone elses lives instead of taking a good look at what i called my own. They say you talk shit about those you are jealous of. Because somewhere subconciously you want to be more like them and want what they have but inevitable you cannot reach that plateau you set them on. But perhaps if we all took a look around at which plateau we stood on ourselves we would realize that where we are is the object of any other persons affections, that somewhere others are wishing to be where we stand. And in our minds we find our life less than perfect and stand that wanting something more but not knowing how to go about gaining such a thing. Yet we do not accept that what we have is greatness because what we have is our own...
People often wonder, is there a heaven and a hell? I feel it is here on earthe because it is what we make of it. There will be times in our life where we love and for a moment we walk among angels floating above their wings and we find that we are happy. And there are other times we walk the path of darkness and sweat tears of sadness wishing it would be over.. But without those times we would know nothing if greatness or loos and thus we should be great full.
I am happy for the time being. He makes me happy and there are times that i find myself upset for a split second only to find myself back in his arms in two minutes. And this is what i hated about those girls who were weak. because they should never find weaknes of themselves through a guy and i have found my weakness because i am what i hated in them, and have found that it is merely jealousy.
He told me a quote the other day... " the day you wake up and do not want to get out of bed or do anything shall be the day you die..." Now i didnt think anything of it until he told me that the guy who said that quote called in sick to work for the first time in his life.. and he dies that day...
It makes me believe that saying that says " we do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing..." so i plan to get up everyday and say " today is the day" because it is and that how it should be...
I want everyone who reads this to write me a comment... and i know who checks these so i will know if you dont leave me a comment and i will hunt you down... I want you to all ask me three questions about anything and i will answer them... so please humor me and drop me a line... it will be appreciated... |
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| Changeover |
[Feb. 25th, 2004|01:48 pm] |
I swear, maybe im just old fashion or maybe just not even up to the times when it comes to like dances and stuff. You know after being in a long relationship where dates no longer exsisted and neither did the "diviing up" of expenses. It was just like whoever paid paid and it wasnt a big deal. But i always thought when a guy asked you out to do something they paid.
So im going to changeover with a guy named Malcolm. Well i shouldnt have expected but i guess from what others were telling me i thought since he asked me to go with him he was going to pay for the tickets. Maybe im being juvenille but i thought it was very awkward when he came up to me today and told me to pay for my ticket. I was like okay... But i was so thrown off. Oh well i mean im sure ill get over it but its just not how things are supposed to work out. I dont mind paying for the tickets because its only 25 $ but i mean its the priniciple. Oh well you win some you lose some... |
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| ugh! |
[Feb. 25th, 2004|01:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
There are signals right in front of ones eyes to let them know that they are playing with fire, but its only after you get burned do you heed the flames... |
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| hmmm |
[Feb. 24th, 2004|10:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Key To My Dreams:: Craig David | ] |
Sometimes i wanna get inside his head just to find out what that smirk is all about. I know it may seem cliche and straigh out of a date from hell in a chick flick, but he seriously does have five different smiles.
one when he really laughs about something
one when he is being sneaky
one when he is thinking about how to change something or prove something wrong
one that smirks to the side that right at that moment
...and one that makes all time stop and stand still for that spli second where i wish i could dive into his mind and find the glories that he calls his thinkings every day...
I wish i knew what that one meant.
A guy once asked me why i liked him so much when i didnt even know him and i answered him with the only honest answer i could think of which was that i didnt know him at all but that which of wanting to know him only drove more towards thinking about him every time i dreamed. He inevitably hurt me which they all do but like i said before.. for the moment when i soared in the clouds with the feeling that maybe he could feel for me, knowing that he could was worth it even though he didnt but it felt good to feel bad.
Off subject but beautiful anyways...
The hip bone is on of the sexiest bones i think. It shows the curvature of a human and shows fertility. Its nice how it curves just right around your fingers to run through it and find the arches of things you wish you could see at that moment but wait out of humility.
Just a quick take on my part of the human body.
Sometimes i fall into thought in the times that i shouldnt be thinking of certain things. Those times it amazes me the beautiful things you mind can wrap it arms around. I sit and zone out all the while nodding letting the person of which is talking to me think i am completely engulfed in what it is they have to say but my mind is faroff in some other candyland of its own where BEAUtiful things linger and scamper around in my brains. I come back to my senses eventually inevitably feeling lost and wishing i hadent zoned off but eating up the candy my brain just fed me for a split second and i am happy. I am content with the thoughts that fill my head in times they dont need to because its in those times that i think of things that really matter but only surface when i try not to think of them and that is nice because then i smile knowing that i have a creative mind.
I think ill sleep well tonight... |
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| Cartoons and Love |
[Feb. 23rd, 2004|10:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | When you say Nothing at all | ] |
I was watching southpark last night when it got me thinking that even though it seems like one of the stupidest shows in the world with no meaning. It actually made me thing of something beautiful. Besides Him.
It was the episode with broken hearts. Now im not saying my heart is broken so dont start jumping to comclusions. it was just the episode...
One of the little guys gets his heart broken and starts hanging out with this group of people who hate life because they have been hurt. Then a second little guy gets his heart broken and he goes to sit in the rain and starts to cry. The first little one comes by with his new group of friends and asked if the second wants to join their group and the little guy sitting in the rain crying says something that really made me think of love in a different life...
He makes the point that even though at that moment in time he was in pain because his heart was broken. He was happy that he had something that made him feel so good that it could effect him this way because it made him feel human.
That got me thinking that they say love is life but they also say love stinks. Well no matter how many bad times there are, there are always good times too you just have to take the good in with the bad. I love life. LOVE IT. And even though i have had my heart completely shattered before. I can look back now and be so thankful for that shutter in time i had something that was so great that when i lost it it made me feel so bad. I always hated when they say without pain there would be no compassion and its like tell that to those who suffer. But seriously no one would suffer if they did not know that there was truly good things out there because then the suffering would just me normal.
I dont know if i lost you but... I was so sad for a hearbeat in my life that i felt nothing but the earths gravitational pull on the strings of my heart could bring me any lower because i had already hit rock bottom. But then i woke up from my so called nightmare of a life and looked around and the sun hit me for the first time or so it felt. Without those good times where i floated in the clouds i wouldnt know the difference between that split second of free floating and the weight in my lungs when i try to breathe. I am so happy that i have the feelings of good and the feelings of bad because it makes me appreciate everything so much more.
This beatiful guy who will remain nameless :-) taught in me the last three weeks that life is too short to waste time on petty things that tick you off. Be down for about two minutes and then be happy that you are human and with that aspect you can pick it up and begi again with the FAITH to know that everything will be as perfect as the arch in the rainbow after the storm.
Love as much as you can and give yourself wholeheartedly knowing that in the end you will get hurt and you will learn and it will inevitably make you a better person because you too have feelings. I love my life and i love every person in it. Dont hold grudges, they only bring you down. Smile at a starnger everyday, that might just be their sunshine behind the overcast skies in their heart.
Take the good in with the bad no matter how hard that may seem to be.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
:-) inspired by southpark |
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| yes! |
[Feb. 15th, 2004|01:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Finally Valtentines Day is over so im happy...
I dindt really have that much of a productive day, i had watch 4-8 and then i watched the basketball game with holly then when she left to go to joses room i went to our room by myself :-(... Oh well...
It is official though, i am the only one without a guy...
Holly= Jose
Molly= Mike
Becky= Timmy
Umeko= Randall
Brittnay = Paul
Hillary = Matt
Krista = Westley
Lynn= Chris
Stephanie = Barrett
Shauwna = Secret Admirer
Oh well im by myself but its okay i guess thats my own fault and choice so im not too worried about it... Im too busy anyways 22 units will do that to you but thats alright... like i said i did it to myself. Today will be a good one though... Im gonna clean my room and blast my music so it will be great! Im gonna have being me and thats all i can do for the moment so im smiling....
:-) |
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| life... |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|08:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ill Be Your Crying Shoulder // Edwin McKaine | ] |
I've realized now that I'm just not happy with where I am at right now. I love my school but the people here are just not what I imagined to be. You know they always tell you that life is unfair and that people do what’s best for them and don’t give a damn about you. At least that’s what my dad tried to have me learn when I was little and until now I had no idea what he was talking about...
I have always thought that people were naturally good and so I thrived off of being a good person. Sure we all have our negative aspects and yes I do have a defense mechanism so sometimes I put up a front. For example when you first meet me and I feel like you may do something to hurt me or anything close to that I am a complete bitch, but we all do that right? Everyone has a defense mechanism... No biggie...
But now I know people are selfish and self centered. Maybe its because I want what they have and you might call me jealous. Or maybe it’s that fact that I’m competitive and I have to be better than everyone, no matter what it is people drive me crazy...
Some things just drive me up the wall. Like when girls totally cop out for another guy, whatever happened to chicks before dicks? Or did that just die along with chivalry? Holly this isn’t about you because all I have ever known of you is to orient with guys not plural but singular as in just one so I only expect it. But the thing is you know you are that way so you let people know and that’s fine. But what bugs me is when people try so hard to not be something that they inevitably are.
I'm sure you can all guess who I am talking about but I mean maybe I’m just really annoyed because she used to be my friend and now she isn’t. She used to hangout with me and now she doesn’t. That’s not the big deal though, the thing is she worries about the stupidest shit and worries that she is "being a typical girl" when really she already is. Why would you get mad if I told him you were at the party and why would you get mad when I tell you he is there too? Is that not some stupid ass shit to get mad over I mean c'mon!! And don’t act like you want nothing to do with someone and then turn around and go call them, I just hate it when people say one thing and do another it is the most frustrating thing in the world.
My dad always said never to let others actions dictate the way I feel but it pisses me off and it feels like I have no one to vent it to so here I am at 1:00 in the morning telling and pouring my soul to a computer whom is the only one who will truly understand what is going on in my mind only in actuality it is only buttons being pushed on a keyboard and has no feelings at all. The funny thing is its the closest thing I have to a companion I have right now, which may be why I’m even typing right now in the first place...
I’ve been through so much in the last 6 months. More failed attempts at trying to care about people and things that I’ve just about given up which makes me sad... I’ve learned to never underestimate how much a person can lie... Failed relationship, however many you go through and think you have learned from keep coming back to you and I say to myself " I swear not again" and then he walks in and the light in the room changes... At night I think and I swear a breathe or two and then sleep again only to return to the unimaginary dreams that come in the night and consist of the failed emptiness I now call my life... I was happy once and that was the greatest time in my life when I could love and I knew I was loved in return. I miss those days when all I had to care about was not fainting when he walked into my heart every morning. I don’t miss him just that feeling and I feel im searching to hard for that feeling again. I know subconsciously that I will find it again with time and that’s all it will take is time... But I feel rushed like the time is caving in and ill have nothing in the end. I know that’s not true and I should focus more on things that are not materialistic but some things are inevitable...
I want love and I want happiness, but in order to gain those things you have to love to be by yourself and be happy with that as well which I guess is what I need to work on but when you look around and all you see is people with others who look at them and get lost in their eyes you want that too.
I’ve thought so many night lying by those people that maybe that was it and the feeling would return but never once and I'm tired of looking. I was lying with him last night and I thought to myself what a great guy he was and I realized that I was incapable of having feelings for anyone because I don’t like the disappointment in the end. Every guy says they are different but that’s what makes them all the same, they are "all different"... Well so was the last one and he fucked me over so why should I trust you this time... I speak my mind and when I tell my friends to wait it out and you will find someone I know I'm just bullshitting because you seek for love even though it is supposed to find you...
I think its only because I know when I find someone who I fall completely for if it is ever possible, I know I am going to give him everything of me... I will willingly give him all of myself with no questions asked. I will listen when he talks, and hold him when he cries, I will chase his fears away even if I too share those same fears I will suck it up for him and I know in the end I will be crushed when it doesn’t work out but I know now that’s what its all about...
I started out by saying that I wasn’t happy where I am, I'm not... I a happy though there are just some things I need to think about like priorities... I want to share those with someone, someone who it beautiful and trusting and someone I can give up my whole heart and soul and being to and know in the end he will take it all and run and I will be left with nothing in the end but I know it will all be worth it... I want that... and I guess it makes me mad to see that people have that and don’t even know or acknowledge it... |
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| Watch Sucks... |
[Feb. 7th, 2004|05:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Why cant I breathe: Liz Phair | ] |
I have watch this weekend... Yuck! And to make it worse i have it with matt mulchinski and i really dont like him...To make matters even worse i have a big midterm on monday that i seem to be the only one stressing over... But thats probably because i feel like i have to do better than certain people... Not Jen or anyone like that... But more like i have to prove myself to.. well.. HIM...
It sucks but im beggining not to care. Its sad though because so is Holly and she and i have talked about it too... We were watching friends and i know its sad that we trun everything in or lives to an episode of friends but i dont care. We were watching the episode when chandler doesnt know how to cry and he kept saying he is dead inside... It kinda made me think about how i seem to not care about anything anymore... Its not like im depressed or im sad about anything though ive just learned from my lessons that if you dont care you dont get upset.. So the shit i used to care about, i dont anymore... Dont get me wrong i still care about my family and my close friends but the little shit that you think people always stess about... Ive lost all interest in that kind of trivial shit, i think thats why i say " Im Over it and Moving On..."
Anyways, i went to dinner with james and molly tonight and it was good... The food was tasty for my tummy and the company was nice as well as the venting but that was mostly me and james...
Rugby sucked ass and im thinking about quitting but we'll see, my head is swollen from getting headbutted. It just sucked today i guess but im still smiling just remembering....
Behind every rain cloud is a rainbow!
Would you rather...
... watch a porno with your parents or watch porno of your parents...
Hit you all back later! Keep smiling!!!
.... thinking of you....
Michelle |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2004|11:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Im Moving On: Rascal Flatts | ] |
Your Life_______
[x] they call me: Michelle
[x] sex: chica
[x] my first breath of air: April 27, 1985
[x] status: single
[x] occupation: student
[x] best friends: Levei, Elisa , My sister, My Dad
_______Rewind_______
[x] most memorable memory: The day i signed the acceptanct letter for my dad to adopt me.
[x] worst?: Being found
[x] first word uttered: FucK You Lewyt
[x] first best friend ever!?: Levei
_______Love?_______
[x] love is: Love is not about finding the perfect person... True love is about seeing the imperfect person perfectly in your eyes...
[x] first love: Ahmad
[x] love or lust?: Love
[x] best love song: Why They Call it Falling:: LeAnne Wolmack
[x] when love hurts, you: Let it fly...
[x] true or false: all you need is love: False
[x] is there such thing as love @ first sight?: love is about knowing the worst thing about someone and having it be okay with you
_______Opposite Sex_______
[x] turn ons: Good personality, Pretty eyes, and assholes aparently
[x] do your parent's opinion on your bf/gf matter to you?: Yes because my dad knows me better than i do so he knows what i really want...
[x] what kinda hair style?: one that i can run my hands through
[x] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do for you?: Hug me and kiss my forhead just because he can
[x] where do you go to meet new people? Parties and out with friends
[x] are you the type of person to HOLLER and ask for numbers?: no
_______Picky Picky_______
[x] dog or cat: dog
[x] short or long hair: long
[x] sunshine or rain: sunshine
[x] moon or sun: both
[x] hugs or kisses: hugs are more personal, kisses if with the right person are more sensual
[x] 1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: one best friend
[x] summer or winter: summer
[x] written letters or e-mails: emails for fun... letters for personal things
[x] playstation or nintendo: nintendo
[x] car or motorcycle: car
[x] house party or club: House Party
[x] sing or dance: Both
[x] freak or slow dance: Slow
_______Lately_______
[x] how are you today? mellow
[x] what pants are you wearing right now? Frog Prince Pajama Pants
[x] What shirt are you wearing right now? White Tank Top
[x] what does your hair look like at the moment? Wet and down
[x] what song are u listening to right now? Mandy Moore:: Cry
[x] how is the weather right now? I dont know its dark but im sure its cold
[x] last person you talked to on the phone? My Dad
[x] last dream you can remember? I went back to my old high school only it was a branch of a college in the high school and i looked out a window and saw ahmad and he waved me over. We talked for a bit and he kissed me and i asked him why and he told me he missed me, then we got back together somehow and he went off to a soccer game... That was a while ago and since then i guess i just dont dream...
[x] who are you talking to right now? Dave :-)
[x] what time is it? 11:34 Pm
_______More About YOU!_______
[x] what are the last four digits of your phone number? 7396
[x] if u were a crayon, what colors would you be? Turquois
[x] have you ever almost died? Yeah
[x] do u like the person that sent u this? Of corse, i love holly she is my roomate!
[x] what's the next CD you are going to buy? Jessica Simpson : Sweetest Thing
[x] what's the best advice ever given to you? Love as much and as hard as you can.. And Smile
[x] have u ever won any special award? Yeah
[x] what's the stupidest thing u have ever done? I didnt pay enough attention to the little things
[x] how many kids do you want to have? 2 or 3
[x] shampoo? BeachBlonde
[x] what are you most scared of? A broken Heart again
[x] how many TV's do you have in your house? 3
[x] do you have your own TV? Yeah
[x] have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? No
[x] who do you dream about? Him :-)
[x] who do you tell your dreams to? My Best Friends
[x] who's the loudest friend you have? My sister
[x] who's the quietest friend? Holly |
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| Sigh... |
[Feb. 5th, 2004|02:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  flirty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Black Back-Pack | ] |
Im really tired but im really content too...
I stayed up almost 4 hours last night studying for midterms next week and Ocean Politics is more time consuming than i would have imagined it to be... All the while Holly is laughing at me while i bitch about all the questions i have to answer even though i could quit any time i really wanted right about now... But she also brings up a very good point of my competitiveness, if thats even how you spell it... I guess i just feel like i have to do better than certain people wither way it drives me to stay up until the wee hours of the morning trying to do something that i dont even have to turn in for credit... Some people are just like that though so im not too worried about it...
Anyways, i have rugby tonight and im super excited for some reason. Paddy is comming back from Texas to coach us for our game this saturday so im really hopeful that our team will pull together for his time here with us and show him again that we can beat BASH, because if we dont i dont know if i can continue playing, there is just much dramam when there is no need for it...
I hate drama and i know a lot of people say they hate drama and yet they are the cause of most of it. I understand that i bring some drama to things and i can deal with that because everyone brings drama to things it is only natural. I mean if you think of it drama is really only brought up when people have feelings towards whatever is going on and they dont like it so they bring it up, at least this is how i think. I mean even the most laid back of people bring drama beacause there has to be things that piss them off or not so much even that just get to them in the least. So everyone brings drama, its just how you deal with it, wether you just let it go if you dont really want to get into it or you stand up for what it is you want or believe in in the current situation. SO even though i am fully aware that i nring drama to somethings i believe i try to somewhat stay out of it as much as i can now... So if ive brough drama to you, im sorry and lemme know, cause im really not trying to care anymore bc i figure if you dont care it doesnt matter and everything goes a lot smother...
Moving on, Blaine is mad at me and Holly because he says we dont listen to his advice but isnt advice optional? He is mad because he thinks that Holly's bf is using her and he is mad at me because he thinks the guy i like is doing the same and when he tries to tell us this we dont listen. Well i can understand where he is comming from but honestly i believe a good friend is there to listen and give advice but deffinately i think that advice is optionally because inevitably a person is going to make their own decisions.
I can understand that he would really want holly to listen to him because she is in a serious relationship so maybe the way he sees it is really bad for her. But i really dont think he should be getting mad at me because he thinks the guy i like is using me...Because nothing serious is going on, its not anything even remotly close to a relationship and we are both i think just trying to have fun so i really dont see what is the proeblem with that, THE WHOLE POINT IT TO HAVE FUN WHILE YOUR IN COLLEGE AND THATS WHAT IM DOING SO bLAINE IF YOUR READING THIS DONT RIDICULE ME FOR HAVING FUN! As for the rest of you who have no idea what im talking about SIMLE!!!
I have a rugby game this weekend at 2:30 on Treasure Island!!! Against BASH our biggest rival and im excited, i thought i wasnt goint to be able to make it but i think ill be alright... I hope peopl come to watch, i think i play a little better when people i know are there to cheer us on... But no one ever feels like commuting which i understadn lol i wouldnt either...
"Would you rather..."
...see the love of your life everyday with someone else.... or never lay eyes on them again?...
Well im back to Ocean Politics which reminds me of you. ;-) Ill talk to y'all later,
"Never Frown, you never know who could me falling in Love with your Smile" |
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| Friends... |
[Feb. 4th, 2004|02:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jessica Simpson "Be" | ] |
So today hasnt been the absolute best day of my life but believe me i have had worse...
I guess it just started this weekend when i got really aggrivated at friends, maybe it was because i was PMSing but seriously some people have no perception of anyone elses feelings. Maybe it isnt even that much its just that they dont feel what they are doing is wrong and im not saying that it is or isnt wrong im just saying some things piss me off..
Things like being the fallback person... Or always having to hear how cute their boyfriend is.. Its not that i dont like hearing about it because i like to listen to what is on my friends minds, its not about not wanting to hear it i always wanna stay updated on whats important to them and what makes them happy...
I guess i just wish sometimes peoepl would understand that what they have is great and talking about it all the time might make others around them want what they have. Like me...
I guess its not good to be jealous of your friends but i honestly dont think im jealous its just makes me feel so shitty when they talk about all the great things that happen to them and between their "guys" and then and i dont have anyone. I mean c'mon imagine if your best friends both had guys and all they ever talked about what how cute they were. Its not that im not happy for them im just asking for maybe a little consideration... Like "I am so happy for you guys really im glad you guys are happy, but dont you see how shitty it makes me feel when you talk about it to me, cant you look around before you leave and look into my eyes and see that it upsets me because i dont have that and its like you constanly want to rub it in my face that you have someone and i dont."
I know your happy and i cant stress how happy i am that you are happy. I just wish i had someone and i dont and by you constantly reminding me that you do is only reminding me that i dont. Its not that im unhappy with just being by myself beause im totally content with being just me and hanging with my girls.. But maybe i do want a guy in my life, and with a school that is soo male oriented you would thing guys would be abundant but no, the ones you want are always dicks.. And maybe i dont pick all the good guys but being reminded that you have someone great doesnt help that fact that the guy i like happens to be a dick to me...
Im not saying that my friends dont care because i do, and i know it may come off bad to say all this but this is my journal and i can write whatever i want in it right? I just dont want anyone to take this the wrong way...
I figured out those of you who dont know me probably dont know what im talking about so for example... Molly has this new guy named Mike who happens to be a friend of mine, but she is probably the closest thing i have to a best friend right now and he is so totally stealing her from me which may seem selfish to say but seriously.. And i dont think she understands that when we go out to hang out all she does is gets on the phone with Mike and when we get back she gets on the phone with him and when she isnt on the phone with him i have to hear about it. And she gets mad at me for some odd unaparent reason today, and i havent even so much as said one word about how it makes me feel when all she ever has to say is " It was so cute when mike did..." Its like damnit!
Im not jealous because you cant be jealous if your happy for the person your jealous of and i am so happy for my friends finding great friends. Im just saying please please please take into consideration those around you who dont have what you have and want it soo badly. People like me who when you talk about it just want to cry because it really does seem like your just doing it to rub it in my face.
And seriously if people really knew me like they say they do then they wouldnt get mad because i get annoyed of it they should understand that sometimes its just too much to hear about it 24/7...I dont need a guy but it would be nice to have someone around sometimes... and i dont have that and you do so please be considerate...
Anyways...
I also got watch... boy this weekend is looking bright already... I guess life just aint that great right now... Just keep smiling because by remembering Behind every Rain Cloud is a Beautiful Rainbow... I cant wait too see the Sunshine!
Thanks for listening... |
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| I know now... |
[Nov. 30th, 2003|09:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I havent been away long enough to say that I have learned it all. In fact I know I havent learned even close to half of it. But what I do know is what they tell you in the beggining and the last thing you want to hear or believe is thus the truth.
High School Relationships don't last in college. Ive seen the group of people who I have closest related myself with at my school start with relationship with people they love only to find now, that those people dont exsist anymore. It isnt anyones fault, its just a relationship is based on being with someone, and if your not with them how do you call it a relationship?
I know now it wansnt me. And although I love this person still, I know now why he had to do what he did. Ive seen others go through the heartache and it kills me inside because I know what they are going through and I know I cant help them because nothing i do or say will bring their significant other back.
I guess today when Shean told me he and his girl broke up it hit me. It wasnt only me. I know now there was nothing i could have done to make him change his mind because as much as I loved him and cared for him, and as much as i would have Done anything for him. He needed him more, That may sound stupid to you, but I dont know how much better to say it.
At least now I can think it wasnt me. And to tell you the truth I accept it, I dont hold any bitterness and I completely understand. All I can say now is guess is I loved him. And thats what I have to show. I loved him more that I have loved anyone in a long time, and i gave him everything of me and knowing now how it ended up. If I were to know that things would have gone this way, I would do it all over again and be happy. Because he is happy and that is my ultimate Happiness. |
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| UGH! |
[Sep. 29th, 2003|03:44 pm] |
Ugh!... So i had a paper to write last night and given it was only a rough draft i still had to get it done. Well my roommates boyfriend came home from being away all weekend so he came to our room last night. Dont get me wrong i like my roommate its just she has no perception of anyone elses space or time or even things in general. She and he boyfriend both knew i was writing a paper and they were completely loud. The least they could have done is had the common curtesy to have been a little quiet or even leave. Anyways i eventually got done with my paper so i moved onto studying for a math test (which by the way i am sure i failed) and i had to move to a different room to study for that. when i realized, after i had moved, that i had forgotten something, i went back to get it and i was locked out. They were in there and i guess they were completely naked so she told me to be patient but i had shit to get done so i got upset. It only makes sense that i should be able to get into my room whenever i need to. Anyways so i was upset about that and didnt actually get to sleep until 1:30 when my roommate came and let me know i was aloud in my room again. WHAT THE FUCK! Anyways...
So i guess people have difficulties being quiet in the morning...!!! (ANOTHER STORY)
So i went to see my boyfriend on sunday and now im stuch wearing collared shirts and hooded sweatshirts to hide behind my shame. Oh and Holly's magical makeup jobs LOVE YOU GIRL!!! Yeah so im having difficulties today. Im tired but whats new, im having issues with guys, i have volleyball and i got a "C" on a paper in english and on top of that got into a fight with my proff. Im over it though. My day hasnt been horrible but then again it hasnt been great, on the other hand i still have about 9 hours left in it....
Good luck with your troubles!!! and remember ALWAYS SMILE... TOMORROW COULD BE WORSE... : ) |
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